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[Aug. 11th, 2009|02:46 am] |
one dark and stormy night a girl sat up and stared into the cloudy sky. the clouds ignited with every flash of lightening and the world erupted with every clash of thunder. the rain came down in sheets and waves and it stung the girls eyes. but she didnt care. she was waiting, watching, anticipating the storm. lightening shone purple in her icy blue eyes. hanging from her back was a sharpened broadsword, draped over her body was a blue tunic whose hood and fabric clung to her body and head. her sweat mixed with the rain and rain a salty flavor over her lips. she was short of breath. suddenly, from the depths of the dark clouds a streak of lightening shot through the air. the girl ducked out of the way and shot a swirl of rain skywards. she could feel through its wake that she had hit her mark and her keen eyes watched a figure fall from the sky. she ran towards where it fell.
but the figure righted itself in midfall and shot past her, the glint of a blade flashing for but a moment as it sliced her cheek. the impact forced her to the ground. from the corner of her eye she saw another glint and dodged the oncoming assault, drawing her sword as she spun out of the way, grazing the figure in the back, knocking it of its course.
the figure fell to the ground in a muddy splash and the girl got to her feet, sword at the ready. the figure stood up, its silloutte a towering six feet to her five foot five body. neither one of them was afraid of the other. she saw the gleam of sinister, smiling mouth before her. she was obliged to return the gesture. the figure's sword swooped from within its robe, glowing menacingly in the moonlight, the robe dropped to the sopping ground. the girl thrust a hand forward, cascading a thick stream of water at the figure. it dodged the stream and ran directly towards her, sword in midswing as he ran through the night and rain towards her. she blocked the attack with her sword and forced her knee into its abdomin, but it countered with a swift fist to her face. she spun with the impact and brought her sword around, connecting its sword in a loud clang. they stood nearly as still as statues, shaking with the force of one another, before it finally warded her off. but she was not so easily warded off, for she swung her sword for another attack and another and another as each was bade by the figures sword. their clangs mixed with the spattering rain and crashing thunder in the night, the sounds of battle mixing with those of the elements. it swung its mighty sword around for attack after attack, each expertly dodged or blocked by the girl.
to be continued... |
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| Writer's Block: Memo to Myself |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|02:26 am] |
if i could go back in time i would tell myself that, in the end, everything is going to be alright. i tell myself to never, EVER pick up a cigarette or a joint because man oh man does it affect your athletic abilities when you're older, and i've only been smoking since i was 18. i cant honestly say i would change many, if any of the decisions i have made, because i like who i am today, and without having made my past decisions, i probably wouldnt be who i am...you gotta go through tough, rough, and hard times to mold yourself. actually, now that i think about it, i would tell myself to spend more time with my youngest sister. i was only the youngest for about 3 and a half years, so thats not too much experience and i've spent the rest of my life as one of the oldest. that would be my big advice, spend time with clare, she's cute and smart and tough, and spending time with youth and innocence will keep you young and true to morality and goodness. |
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| its been awhile |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|04:41 am] |
so they say the only way to accell in something is to do it repeatedly, that being said, i have not written, at least not the way i need to be, in quite sometime. for instance, i can no longer spell excel... alright, here it goes, from the bottom most workings of my heart, i dont know what this means, but i still dream of you. i dream dreams so vivid, so realistic that when i wake, i force myself back into slumber so that i may visit you again. i know you are not the same person you were, hell, i dont even know who you are anymore, and i know that i am no where near the same person anymore, but i cannot shake you from my heart. sometimes i think love is like an untreated wound, and over time it begins to fester and puss...not the most glorious thought, especially for something as special as love, but still, i thought that over time i would forget you, i would, somehow lay your memory and the affect you had on me to rest. that is not the case. and now here i am, in this place, in this place far away from everything and anything i have known in recent years, and i sit within the wee hours of morning thinking of you. missing you. i dont know if i am obsessed, i think not, i think that obsession possesses some degree of creepiness, and for you, i am not creepy. but i have a wound on my heart; loves laceration, and its not going away, and i dont want it to go away. and yet i know that life's inescapable web has each of us so entangled, so entwined in our own, seperate webs, that i know nothing should ever happen, nothing could ever happen, nothing will ever happen?
recently i came across a love story so heart-wrenchingly sad and hopeful and true, that whatever hope may have been fading is suddenly, and maybe unfortunately, rekindled. I dont think this love, this hope will ever die. and i also dont think that it is necessarily a good thing. sometimes hope, the very thing used to keep you afloat, is the very thing that tortures you the most. i cant help that im so stubborn, so thick-headed, well, maybe i can, but im too stubborn to ever do anything about it. and this combination, this voletile combination of hope and jackass worthy stubbornness is, well is making a lot things, a lot of elements of my life very unfair.
its been so long since i've written anything in here, i dont even recognize the format. i dont know if any of my friends are still posting, still keeping up with this Ether Journal, this prologue to facebook and myspace, frankly, i dont much care, but just getting it out there, getting it off my chest, out of my heart, in a manner oh so fitting for myself is wonderful. Perhaps i shall continue to keep up with this journal, this thing, this thing that has helped me so many times in years long past. You see, for me, writing truly is the greatest form of therapy. i'm good at it, and it is one helluva good way to unload, even if i know no one is listening or reading or watching, there is the possibility of someone finding this entry, reading this entry, and maybe even (if the winds of fate choose to be so kind) he or she can relate to me, and tell my hope is foolhearty, or just plain stupid, or one of the greatest parts of life that i should never let of. Still, I think of you everyday, and everyday i hope that you are doing well, i hope that you are happy, i hope that your life is full of goodness and adventure like the ones we shared together, and maybe, just maybe, you're thinking of me too. and if you're not, well, hell, that's fine too, just as long as its life that you're living. be well, you, wherever you are, however you are. you will always have good thoughts and energies coming from me.
now for the tedious part...looking up all my past entries. man its been ages, there are sooooo many months between this entry and the last, and soooo many months between the last entry and the one's before it. I'm sorry, you damned and dear friend of mine, you have been semper fidelis, you have been patient with me, you have, unlike so many things and people before, never left my side, despite my long winded absence, and i thank you for it, for being ever faithful. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2007|09:47 pm] |
the passage of time is long. the trials and tribulations have been challenging. mountains have grown and some have fallen, the great winds of change blow from every direction and i can sense the end is near. time passes much faster than we could ever hope to catch. it beats out the greatest distances of the imagination and the deepest darkest depths, time is the greatest advesary and ally any growing and evolving individual.
i look around this empty room with fading memories and wonder whether or not i ought to regret what has or hasn't happened. missed opportunities will only ever come once in a lifetime, the catch is that you wont catch onto it until the rest of your life has come. i wonder, how does one determine when the rest of their life has begun the the present life they had once been living ends? we will only ever know a constant stream of The Now, it is ever changing and unrelenting in its many adversities but they are challenges and scenerios which can only ever be faced, triumphed and/or defeated one day at time. thats the beauty in life, it happens one day at a time, from the time it starts to the time it ends and there is nothing anyone can do to change that, not that i think anyone ever would. life is hard, for everyone and for a million different reasons, but what makes us all unique and beautiful is how we choose to deal with it. we learn from mistakes made in the process and ideally become strong, cool-headed and capable individuals...hopefully.
the thing about life that makes it so friggin tricky is its infinate possibilities and unexpected twists; when you add a whole nother living, breathing, pondering entity life becomes that much more complicated, add a community and its amplified. problems are as ubiquitous as they are troublesome. my problem is that i've been so caught up in my own problems the problems of my family that i havent taken the time to realize the problems of my girlfriend. she deserves better than what i've given her and im trying very hard to change my ways. she holds my heart and my soul in the palm of her hand and has the ablitity to destroy my entire foundation with her breath. she is delicate and smart and her eyes are like an ocean sunset...why would i ever mistreat someone with such profound power over me? just stupid i guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|06:53 pm] |
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and this music evokes nastalgia as i sit and begin to realize that the end of the year is nearer than i had realized, which means that the time i do not return to that place that was once home, is almost here. i sit and reminisc about why home was once home and it was because of all those i love. i love rusty...he's gone, i love dixie...shes gone, i love casie, shes still there and it kills me to think that im going to spend my summer away from her. why would i ever make such a foolish decision? hahaha..no katie, no rachel, no amber, no squidget, me and amy dont really hang out anymore, im pretty sure lena forgot my name, which is fine, people drift with time, but the point is that every reason home was home to me is no longer there. well, not every reason. my heart sinks everytime i think about the fact that im not going to have casie. it kills me to think that rusty is gone now too. more gone than he was last year...god these thoughts make me physically sick. i miss everything that once was so desperately so. im fading away into something i've never known before and i never thought that fading would be so painful. i find it impossible for my simple mind to even come close to articulating this misery i feel each and every fucking day. i feel as though there is something inside of me that is sucking me into myself...strange concept, for if i am sucked away into myself and all that is suct into me is actually disapperaing then that would mean that i am disappearing within myself..does this mean im dying inside? probably...of course, i've learned how to ignor all the "probablies" of life because to stop and consider a probably only means im wasting prescious moments of my everfading life and because life is short and death is so long, i should take advantage of that which i will only ever experience once and only for a short time...because as we all know, somewhere deep in our hearts everyone knows, that time does not exist except for within the minds of man...what makes us grow older as the sun travels its prepetual journey across the sky and back again, is age. i dont know where im going with this, and i dont really care. its sad that im caring less and less about more and more, or at least it should be, but i dont care about that anymore. why should or would i care? i do wish that the entire fucking world would get off my back and allow me to make my own decisions and only give me its fucking input when i ask for it. yes i know what i am doing, yes i know that i am missing out on thousands of dollars, yes i am aware that this golden opportunity is slipping away from me..but who wants to go from platnum to gold? if people truly cared about me, and truly wanted me to follow the advice they've been forcing upon me for the past 18 years, then they would accept that im not coming home, realize that its killing me inside, and not fucking lay the guilt trip on me anymore cuz its fuct up that every expects me save my family and everyone expects me to carry the burdens of the seven wonders of the world just because i am mary and i am "strong" and i am supposed to play everything cool...everyone has their goddamn breaking points, please, i emplore you, stop pushing me towards mine. yeah, im strong, but am i stronger than myself? will i be able to defeat myself from the inside out or will this all end ultimately and terribly in whatever i wish to be the outcome? a very strange situation. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|07:18 pm] |
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im in the school library, putting off the inevitable drive home i must embark upon if i wish to lay my silly, sleepy head to rest. this day has been a busy day, having had to awaken many hours earlier than i would have wanted to after having fallen asleep many hours later than i had intended. i am beginning to think my college years have been wasted at this sorry excuse for a college. for four quasi-miserable years of highschool i managed to avoid the one thing i loath more than anything else (aside from the dishes) and that is drama. never have i encountered such an immature, stupid, rich bitch, snobby community of people, who's sole purpose in life is waste his/her life away at bars, weilding fake i.d.'s all the while trying to impress cocky fucking canadian hockey players, who really arent THAT hot. this place is too small, with far too many buildings and no place to go. i dont even have a nature hideaway anymore. my daily runs are around my campus (a danty 1 mile) then onto the treadmill for me, as there are not miles and miles of nature to explore on foot. these people are lazy and it is purely and utterly disgusting...and worst of all, its contagious. i feel my once thriving vocabulary slipping away because i cause too many arguments with my friends as they dotn understand half the shit i say. as we all know, this says something as when i go home, i barely understand half the shit my friends say. how is it that someone who was once at the bottom of the academic foodchain is now on top, and the only reason she is struggling is because she has lost the drive to thrive because there seems to be nothing left to strive for. i sit and write poetry in my english class and still manage to have among one of the highest grades in my class. i am getting nothing out any of the three education courses i am enrolled in, except for headaches, public speaking is..well public speaking which is really nothing more than an un-needed work load, philosophy is being taught as though it were math, leaving room for absolutely no contemplation or philosophizing, and that is no way to teach the subject which has provoked and evoked so much goodness from humanity (be it technilogically, scientifically, spritually, whatever). the sports teams here are a joke, i was in better shape in highschool and i was fatter back then. in fact, the only reason i am borderline six pack-ish is because i am far too poor to afford food and often find myself stealing food from my caf or local grocery store. but you do what you gotta do to survive and right now i barely am...but there is one thing that is keeping me going, the same thing that kept me going in highschool..the fact that if i were to allow myself to slip, to fall, to walk away from anything i've embarked upon, everyone i care about or love will not only take it as a personally insult, but they will shun me and find someway to get back at me just to show me that i made a bad decision...well fuck that i say, i am only human, perfection is a notion some higher diety has placed in our minds, it is unachievable until post death, so dont fuckin hold me to those standards anymore, because its driving beyond mad, crazy, insane...its fucking killing me...funny, that even though my physical body has gone beyond the reach of their grasps..they still hold some sort of a fuckign leash to me...time to severe |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|08:57 pm] |
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so here i sit, in this apartment, which is a mess, listening to music i never thought i'd find myself listening to, eagerly awaiting the arrival of something i never thought i'd be eagerly awaiting, and i find myself contemplating the past and the present. the future means nothing right now, not in this state of mind. my past is something i've had no choice but to run from and and forget, yet i find myself trying to find the girl i once was, all those very many moons ago. innocent in an informed fashion i suppose? maybe? it is true what they say, that ignorance is bliss, but how can one overcome the world if one does not experience all that one may, good or bad? this person i've become, or am becoming is one i had always hated. perhpaps i hated her because i never knew the virtues found within this corruption. the good heart is still here, but i look into the eyes of my friends, the eyes which are my windows to the past, and i find that they view me in a much different light. these eyes that i look into as they look into me make me feel the breeze one feels when something brushes past them, but this breeze, i believe is something make believe, something i believe in so much that its almost real. it turns out the breeze is something created by some fuct up phantasmal memory thats come so close to reality only because of how fucking much i long for it. oh these days, these days that i live in today and tomorrow are so complicated they leave me numb from everything, even enbriation. oh dear sweet enibriation, how i do miss thy feeling. grant me one more night of mournful bliss as i sit, stand, and lay, basking in the state that is escape. what does it say when saying something means nothing, when saying everything makes me feel worse than when i sit, mute, mournful and so close to the edge that it scares even myself. however, the only way i could ever get to this point is, of course, through my own actions, through my own beliefs; it is true when i say that the only person i shall ever fear is myself. i am the one who shall control my own continuity. i am my own leader and i lead myself to follow somthing i've never known before. traveling within and through this strange and distant land is so...beyond articulation. at least until i find the ends of this new earth. here i sit, in this apartment, as i do every night, and i feel this something that reminds all too much of nothing, and this new nothingness makes me feel something from the past, something i've always loathed because its always made me loath myself. how bout i get over this self-pitying rut and walk away with the everything i had once known and just let this this be. my minds thoughts are far too complicated for me to put into words, but then i wonder how i wander through the corridors of my mind and i remember that all i know is what i remember and what i remember is language. so if i think in this language which seems to be natural, but is man made, then why can i not utylize this thing i have learned to describe all the very many things i could teach. so much i have to offer the world, but i find the voice i once had is not nearly loud enough to tell the world what i want to tell it. and what i want to tell it is something i have not yet fully heard, so i shall continue to sit and wait, as the world sits waiting without even realizing it, until the day finally arrives as it brings with it my voice, that i tell the world something that is more than what it already knows. who knows, maybe what i shall say is something that is already there, maybe it is somethign that has been long forgotten, maybe... maybe leaves open so many possibities...my ramble runs on and on and on and on and it never leads me anywhere, it never leads you anywhere, it never leads anywhere except for where it began. this ramble is circular, but all too often do i feel myself on the verge of escaping this monatongy that is my thought process, this circle shall be broken and all that is within it shall be released. i miss my past, but i've come way too far to ever be able to regain what once was. thses songs bring me so close to what is now behind me, but they always end too soon, they always end before i am ready to let go...perhaps my greatest triumph will be finding that girl i once was, after all that i have and shall experience. there was a time when i was happy, there was a time, ther always was a time, but there shall not always be a time to come. this freightful truth is known to all, but accepted by few, and those who do accept it, fear it, for it is something to be feared, but we must all overcome our fears. so fuck anyone who stands in my way? what if who is standing in my way happens to be myself? and when i die i''ll finally be over everything, and when i die i'll finally be able to let go of everything so that i may go back to everything. and i believe it is that reason that i shall live a long, long life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|12:48 pm] |
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greetings, my name is Mary Caye Zupan, and i predict my own death to occur sometime next semester. i will be taking 21 credits, and its normally suicide after about 17. anyone who knows me, will, of course know of my inability to say no, and it is that inability which will ulitmately lead to my downfall. i knew i shoud have just said no to class...and class...and class...and tutoring (thats right katie girl, im actually going ot be a tutor!!)...and piano...and hockey...and job...help me?! someone?! anyone?! maybe i should make a clone of myself. or get one of those things from harry potter...course that would lead me to be the ulitimate of procrastinators...alrihgt, im done |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|09:52 pm] |
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this life depresses me |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|05:16 pm] |
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dixie passed away a few minutes ago |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|07:52 am] |
its time for a session of "Good Idea, Bad Idea"
good idea: Working out early
bad idea: Working out early whilest hung over/still drunk |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|10:52 pm] |
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so herei sit, drunk and in my appartment, my home? perhpas?! i knot not. ive growqn so accustomed to moving so much that no place seems like home. thats not an entier truth, truth is where the heart lies..my heart lies with my family and my family ive in west point new york. to think that THAT is where i clain formy home to be is a strange thought indeed. i supose it makes sence, i grew with thses people, these people known as my high school friends. i suppose its the norm for all military brats though. you should never take for granted your roots, no matter how much you hate them...at least you have some place to hate. this plac eyou may hate has history..i have history too..hisrtory wit casie, katie, rachel, rusty, they were my constants. my constants. evne though i've been without them for a year, i stiol miss them like the end had just occurred. thank you katie, for lettimg me sleep with you thenight whne rusty moved. i'll never forget that. ever. thank you rachel for always coming over when i needed. thank you casie for being the little kid i had thought i had forgotten. and thak you rusty for being my bigger half. its a shame we all drifted senior year..its a shame, its all shame, one, big, glorious shame. we grew together, no matter how much anyone wants to deny it. im home sick...and my friends make west point home..i miss my friends. the friends i grew with, the friends who made me who i am today. thank you my wives, thank you my rusty, thank you my liquore whore, thank you my horny bitch |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|01:45 pm] |
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i beleive in the madness called 'now'. take this future in my hand. time is blind, but i want to trust my life, to immortal time. immortal time, sounds like a contradiction if you ask me. if you ask me. my philosophy classes leave me perplexed everyday. the idea that motion is a mere illusion, the argument is flawless. its obviously wrong, clearly we move, we're in a constant state of motion, otherwise we'd be dead, but the argument makes so much sense. so much fucking sense. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2005|05:31 pm] |
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on this day, on this day on this day i managed to do alot without actually accomplishing anything. i take it back, tyndall and i witnessed a car accident, the poor woman, i think she sustained a concussion and the other dude was drunk i think. he flew through a redlight and smoked a woman in her car. we saw the whole thing and pulled over to make sure both parties were alright, they were both pretty shaken, there was another man, he was right behind the woman who got hit, he stopped too. the guy who hit the woman was a nervous wreck, he smoked alot of cigarettes, probably to mask the alcohol on his breath. he didnt even apologize to the woman. the woman was on her way home, in fact, she lived in the neighborhood that was across the street. kinda makes you think, apparently all those statistics are true. oh well. these days are surreal to me. i walk through each day and feel nothing. or at least i dont remember what i feel. its like a dream. my life is like a dream. not a good dream, not a nightmare; its the type of dream you have that feels too real when you wake up, and you second guess whether or not it actually happened. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|08:34 am] |
i think my dog dog dog is dying. this upsets me more than a lot. Dearest Dixie, please dont die. I love you far too much. Lovingly and Desperately yours, Mary Caye.
ps
Let me say good-bye |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|02:40 pm] |
i am taking a break from the day. the day today is a hot day, indeed. and on this day i wonder weather i will ever find someone i can keep. it is funny to think that for the past two years i have loved and lost twice...funny indeed. i think i ought to stear away from any sort of feelings towards anyone unless they are completely plutonic for a very long, long time.
i have often wondered whether a person could fall in love more than once. i think i know the answer. a person will only ever have that single person who makes everything and anything all right. that single person that leaves you speechless, breathless, and hopelessly lost in an array of emotions beyond anything they have ever felt before. that person who, when you think about them, no matter what time of day, what you're doing, where you are, you smile a simple, happy smile and you can somehow get through the rest of the day walking to a different beat.
and then there will be others. others you will love just as deeply, but profoundly differently. it can happen, falling in love more than once. For each time, you are in fact in a different time. you are a different person, there is no single individual who is the same person they were one year ago. hell, many people get just a little different each day. but learn to live and grow from every experience, good or bad, and eventually end up walking away different, yet somehow better people because of it. there is no way to describe it, to fully understand, someone has to live it. either way, when all is said and done, love is pure bliss when its good, and pure shit when its bad...and im about to begin my second year of having a 'bad' love. heh, maybe someday i'll learn who to love...but can someone really control who they fall in love with? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|04:14 pm] |
with my first summer away from college finally winding down i cannot help but take time to recap what i have accomplished this summer.
i have conquered most of the local mountains, each leaving me with a different feeling of accomplishment awe as i viewed my home from a new perspective each time.
i have assisted in the catching of a record making timber-rattle snake, i have named him Fred and he slithered along the forest floor at an impressive 54.5 inches, the largest snake i have ever seen, and the most docile.
i have been grazed, in the shoulder, by a speeding HUMVEE
Swam across lake Stillwell, which has been one of my life's goals. a triumph i was fortunate enough to share with my best friend, Casie, whom shall forever remain in my heart.
i have fallen down one of the previously stated mountains
i have been swarmed by bee's (a near tragedy as i am allergic)
i have lost my favorite hat at the bottom of Lake Stillwell, only to get it back the next day with some swim masks, snorkles, fins and group of great guys (my Midnight Militia)
I have partaken in my first literal wild-goose chase, which included wrestling a goose to the ground from mid-flight (I AM MARY!!! THE GOOSE HUNTER!!!!)
i have riden everyday i have worked in a HUMVEE which is a feat i never thought i would accomplish mostly because i had never thought it would be presented to me
i have been enibriated most of the time
i have learned to use and be trusted with a chainsaw AND machete, the latter being my favorite tool with which to work.
i have lived an adventure i had only ever dreamed about during the days i spent in my highschool classes while gazing out the window at the tree tops. although my tan is the most obscure colouration i have ever seen in my life, i have a tan which is darker than my younger sister, Robyn, something which has never happened before. i have made well over 4000 dollars while doing something i have always known that i would love. and the summer's end draws nearer and nearer and i am not entirely sure how i feel about it after all is said and nearly done. my summer has been amazing in every way, good and bad and i am certain that i shall miss it terribly. this has been my summer of dreams, thats for damned sure. making and shattereing em. it has been my summer of growing, my summer of drifting farther away from some but closer still to others, so not quite yet, but very very soon, i shall raise my final beer of the summer, have a final toast with my Militia, and we'll drink to good times, bad times, and times to come and guzzle our way into a night we wont ever forget...or ever fully remember
until next time, faithful reader, peace easy and happy trails |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|11:27 pm] |
iv'e not sat and done this in quite some time... years time to be exact. so here i sit, on this starry night and think i think i think far too much for everytime and everything i think seems to drag me down. but here i am, doing it, always doing it, always thinking, always thinking about last year, is this regret? i think about how much ive changed, how much youve changed, how much we've changed and to be honest it breaks my heart. no matter how hard i try i cannot lay to rest the past that was all too soon ago...all too soon ago, does that make sense? does it even matter? i am a writer, my job, my ultimate goal, my art, my gift is to manipulate language to speak as i want it to speak, to say what i want it to say, how i want it to say i know im not the same person i was, for the music i listen to evokes the same emotion i felt just last year, but that emotion seems like something from so long ago, so far away its a shadow in the night and the sun is rising all too quickly. the nighttime is my past, the sun is my future..towards the future it pushes. i will never be able to let go of all the people who made me who i am today, ever. i miss rusty more than any word, any phrase, any story, anything could ever express, perhaps that is why i miss last year so profoundly. i miss others too... i miss how things used to be. things used to be so simple, things used to be so pure and utterly carefree...that was when i was young, not yet grown, but no longer a child, i am no longer a child, i am now grown, i've much to learn, but i've so much to teach now, so very much to show the world about the world about what is really going on, i have to do things, i have to fullfill my future, i have to i have to i have to do alot of things, and its driving me crazy that i can only do one thing at a time. people will read this, only the first sentence, of this i am sure, if they read further i fear they only get lost in the turmoil known as my mind, my thoughts, my flow....i find that sobriety becomes more and more unbareable at night. i dream dreams i no longer remember. if i want so badly to let go of somethign then why is it so damned hard? there are so many questions i have asked that only time will answer. i loath time, time is the bain of my existance, but time is the only proof i have for existance. perhaps that statement is wrong, perhaps perhaps perhaps i want to sleep peacefully again, i havent been able to do that in so long. i wish, more than anything that on this night i could have a sleep unaided through pills or booze, that i could sleep naturally. that i could just fall into my bed, allow my pillow to caress my head and i could drift into sleep... ionce related sleep to the sea. when the seas are calm sleep comes easily, i must be sailing through a storm, but all storms will pass, i shall persevere. there is no other option for me, if i fail i will fail my friends my family my world, the world. the world has no idea of the power i possess and i will save it, people will laugh upon reading that line, but they shall see, one day i will do great things...one day one day, what i must realize is that no matter how much that one day matters to the future it is not this day, this day is the first day...
i wish i could write a story about something, anything...all i write are my thoughts, what do my thoughtsmeabn to the rest of the world, the rest of the worlds deosnt care aboyut my thoughts, on that which is derived frm my thoughts...and what is derived from my mind is a story
a story about a girl who had everything, a girl who knew she had everything, but wanted nothing, she wnated nothing of it, nothing to do with it i want what i want, i want what i can attain i wish i knew what i wanted someone help me please, im falling here, im drowning |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|08:20 am] |
there are so many things floating through my head. so many things i should like to articulate but find i do not possess the ability to do so. perhaps no one does, for how can anyone put into words that which is comprised of feelings which are intangible in every physical way...perhaps that statement made little to no sense. i am at work, it is 822 in the morning and i have just been informed that i am totally and completely on my own today in terms of tasks. this is a good thing, i need time to think, be by myself, in complete solitude with nothing but nature surrounding me. i am a romantic, that idea makes me tingle with something beyond joy.
my hockey coach called me lastnight to tell me he was no longer going to be my coach. this makes me upset. we were a family last year, and although he and i went at it on more than just a few occassions, he was the head of the family, i cant imagine what Neumann Hockey is going to be like without him there. Last year was perfect in every way...can perfection be attained in the same situation through different directions?
the day that changed Neumann Hockey July 21, 2005. We will miss you, Matt, best of luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|04:15 pm] |
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my job leaves me with no energy by the end of the day. i've had three hours of sleep and i have to venture forth to pa to see a friend whose title is only worthy of 'best.' she needs my help and even though she may not know it, i need hers. its been far too long since our last "talk" which usually consists of many aderalls and cigarettes and stars and finally the sun. we stay up throughout the night enjoying the company of eachother, its how it should be, we dont have to talk, we can sit in silence and be completely complacent. i've a strange suspicion that things may be different this time, different due to circumstances, its been a long day, its going to be a long night, but its going to be worth it. |
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